How To Move On From Family Estrangement (Even If You Secretly Still Wish Things Were Different)

“How to Move On From Family Estrangement (Even If You Secretly Still Wish Things Were Different)”

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Family estrangement is like that ghost in your childhood closet—except instead of disappearing with age, it occasionally haunts your adult life when you least expect it.

Like during milestone moments, such as graduating or getting married.

Or when you’re rocking your newborn at 3 a.m., wondering how it all ended up this way.

Speaking of distancing yourself from family, have you downloaded your free inner child healing workbook yet?

Personally? I’ve been estranged from my mom for over seven years and from my sister for even longer than that.

The reasons are complicated (and a lot of them I hold secret), but they’re not uncommon.

Reasons people become estranged from family

Narcissistic or controlling parental behavior
Repeated emotional, physical, or verbal abuse
Constant boundary violations and disrespect
Favoritism and deeply ingrained sibling rivalry
Religion, politics, or identity not being accepted
Manipulation, gaslighting, or toxic dynamics
Lack of accountability or genuine apologies after harm

Ultimately, it’s about choosing self-respect and peace over prolonged dysfunction.

Because there’s only so many times you can run into the same burning building before you realize… maybe you’re the one holding the matchbox just by staying.

Signs to reduce contact with family:

15 Blaring Signs You Should Cut Off Your Parents (for Your Mental Health)

Grieving the estranged relationship

For the most part, I’m okay.

I’ve created space in my life for peace, for my chosen family, and for becoming the version of me that doesn’t settle for bare-minimum love.

But then… I got pregnant and had my daughter.

And suddenly, there it was again. Grief.

That aching sense of “I wish things were different.” Not just for me, but for her.

I longed for a family tree that didn’t have broken branches.

Moving forward from broken families

But here’s the truth: I may not be able to change where I come from, but I can shape where I’m going. And so can you.

Those longings don’t mean I made the wrong decision. They just mean I’m human.

So how do you move on from estrangement when your heart keeps peeking through the rearview mirror?

This worksheet can help you make sense of all the jumbled reasons you’re choosing yourself.

How to Move On From Family Estrangement

If you want to distance yourself from family but don’t know where to start, it might be helpful to talk to an online therapist. I always recommend Online Therapy, because it’s a complete online counseling toolkit, and you can get incredible therapy from the comfort of your own home. Get 20% off your first month.

1. Grieve the fantasy, not just the facts

We don’t just mourn the people—we mourn the birthdays they missed, the apologies they never gave, and the comfort we never got.

It’s okay to admit that you wanted your story to turn out differently. In fact, it’s completely valid.

So cry it out. Write about it. (I literally made a healing journal guide for this, because trust me…I’ve lived it.)

GRAB INNER CHILD HEALING JOURNAL

Don’t be afraid to feel the feels. They’re not signs of weakness.

They’re signs you’re human.

2. Therapy, therapy, therapy

I don’t say this lightly.

Therapy helped me untangle the shame, the anger, and the part of me that still wanted to be picked, loved, and seen by people who couldn’t (or wouldn’t).

There’s no gold medal for doing this alone, so get support.

A therapist can provide a safe and supportive space for you to explore your feelings and develop coping strategies.

They can also help you navigate any difficult family dynamics and work towards healing, which is the ultimate goal.

3. Join the healing community you deserve

If you’re on a healing journey and you don’t want to do it alone, you’re invited to join my Inner Child Warriors membership.

It’s where we take the messy stuff—like estrangement, generational trauma, and reparenting—and turn it into something empowering, grounded, and dare I say… even kind of magical.

We laugh. We cry. We heal. We remember that we are worthy—not someday, not when we’re finally “fixed,” but now.

Both paid and free versions:

Join the Inner Child Warriors Membership.

4. Create necessary boundaries

Let’s clear something up…setting a boundary doesn’t make you cold, heartless, or “too sensitive”.

It makes you someone who’s finally choosing self-respect over dysfunction.

HECK YEAH, COUNT ME IN!

Boundaries are how we say:

“I love myself enough not to shrink for your comfort.”

“I can care about you and still say no.”

“I’m not available for guilt trips today—or ever, really.”

Boundaries aren’t walls to keep people out.

Instead, they’re more like doors with locks, keys, and a peephole.

You decide who gets to come in, how long they stay, and what energy they bring with them.

And the people who truly love you? They won’t make your boundaries feel like betrayals.

They’ll see them as invitations to love you better.

So go ahead—set the boundary, keep the peace, and protect your joy like it’s a sacred heirloom. Because it is.

Setting boundaries with family:

How to Set Boundaries with Toxic Family Members

5. Redefine “family” on your terms

Family doesn’t have to mean blood.

Sometimes, your family is your best friend who shows up with coffee unexpectedly, or that one coworker who sends you memes with zero explanation.

When you build your family from love and not obligation, you get to live a life true to your wants and needs.

So choose a partner who gets why the holidays are weird, and maybe have a couple of kids who don’t yet know how badass their mom is for breaking cycles.

6. Create traditions that are yours

Estrangement can leave behind a lot of empty space, especially around holidays, milestones, or even random Tuesdays that feel heavier than they should.

Just because you’ve let go of certain people doesn’t mean you have to let go of meaning.

So fill your home with intention and love. Fill your space with something that’s yours.

Traditions can start with you.

Fun traditions to try:

Make pancakes every Sunday with your kids

Dance with them in the kitchen

Celebrate made-up holidays like “International Talk Like a Pirate Day” (Highly underrated, tbh.)

These traditions don’t have to look like anyone else’s.

They just have to make you feel safe, seen, and whole.

Traditions are important

You get to build something new—something safe, soulful, and all your own.

That’s the beauty of breaking cycles: you also get to create new ones.

So light a candle for the version of you that survived it all, and maybe play Avril Lavigne’s “The Best Damn Thing” while you do it.

More ways to honor your inner child:

13 Nostalgic Activities to Reconnect with Your Inner Child

7. Accept change even when it’s unfair

One of the hardest parts of estrangement? Accepting that some things may never go back to how they were.

And honestly, maybe they never should.

That realization can sting. But it can also set you free.

Releasing expectations

Accepting change means releasing the fantasy version of your family and facing what’s true in the present.

It means making peace with what you didn’t get, while giving yourself permission to create something new on your terms.

New rituals. New relationships. New definitions of family and support.

Healing is not about pretending it doesn’t hurt.

It’s about learning to live fully, even with the ache.

Progress over perfection

Progress isn’t a straight line.

Some days, you’ll feel strong and empowered. Other days, you might ugly-cry to a playlist called “Main Character Healing Arc”.

That’s okay. You’re not failing. You’re healing.

Let the past be the past, and build a life that feels safe, soft, and yours.

Need some healing music recommendations?

52 Self-Love Songs (to Boost Your Confidence and Self-Esteem)

8. Acknowledge the longing without guilt

Even when you’ve made the healthiest, most self-protective choice by stepping away from family, you might still feel a deep ache for what could have been.

That doesn’t make you weak. It makes you human.

You can miss the idea of a warm, loving mom without wanting to invite the real, hurtful version back into your life.

You can see a sibling duo laughing on TikTok and feel a pang of sadness, even if your actual sister was emotionally abusive.

You can wish your child had grandparents, while still knowing your parents aren’t safe people to fill that role.

Grieving is natural

When we think about grief, we typically only view it from the lens of someone passing away.

But family estrangement is wrapped up in a tattered grief bow.

Grief for the relationship you should have had. Grief for the support you deserved.

Grief for the version of family that never existed but still lives somewhere in your heart.

So let yourself feel it, name it, cry about it if you need to. Then keep going.

You’re building something new. Now.

And that matters too.

9. Let yourself be the mother you never had

To your kids. To your inner child.

To the tired version of you on a Wednesday afternoon who just wants someone to say, “You’re doing a good job.”

So here it is: You are doing a good job.

A damn good job.

You made it this far without the love you deserved. You are already breaking cycles.

And this version of you—and every past and future version of you—is already enough.

Estrangement is Messy

Being estranged from family doesn’t come with a neat ending or a satisfying fade to black.

I’ve done my best building a life that feels steady and safe, and I’ve learned to accept that “family” can mean something entirely different than what you’re born into.

And yet, I still wish things were different sometimes.

It’s a journey

Sometimes moving on and healing means chosen family, therapy, and a ridiculous amount of matcha lattes while journaling your way through a crying spell.

And even though a part of me will miss a part of them, I don’t wish for them anymore.

I wish for me. For my daughter.

For the softness and safety we’re building—without needing anyone else’s permission.

It breaks cycles

Moving on doesn’t mean forgetting.

It means choosing peace, again and again, even when sadness sneaks in with your morning coffee.

You’re not alone in this.

And if your kids ever ask about your estranged family someday, you’ll know exactly what to say—with truth, kindness, and a little bit of the humor that’s kept you sane this whole time.

Because yes, you’ve lost something. But you’ve also built something beautiful in its place

And that? That’s the kind of legacy worth passing down.

Did you know there’s online therapy?

Online Therapy is a complete online therapy toolbox.

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