Face it — Disney’s live-action remakes are worthless abominations

I’m miffed at Mickey.

Disney, Hollywood’s Meh-gic Kingdom, has as soon as once more delivered one other terrible live-action remake of a well-loved cartoon. 

For greater than a decade, the Home of Mouse has been addicted to those robotic abominations. It’s a illness.

Over the weekend, the most recent poor unlucky soul was “Lilo & Stitch,” that candy little 2002 film a few Hawaiian lady and her fuzzy alien buddy.

Stated Disney: “Let’s ruin it!”

As solely Diz is aware of the right way to do, the studio turned the story right into a soulless downer, made its coloration palette virtually sepia and tacked on an additional half hour of useless air.

It’s a rancid pattern, as evidenced by the PR and field workplace wreckage of “Snow White” with Rachel Zegler, and the sloppy mush they made out of “The Little Mermaid.”

Bob Iger and Co.’s maniacal method? Take cherished films, uglify ‘em, clumsily toss in political correctness and — presto! — here’s a awful money seize.   

Has any of those debacles ever improved upon the animated unique? Nope. 

Has one ever even been on par? Nope.

Have all the company automatons cruelly stomped on the magic and creativity of tens of millions of childhoods? Oh, sure!

And but the nasty behavior, born out of pathetic desperation, reveals no signal of letting up. The corporate that truly employs artisans often called “Imagineers” has acquired no creativeness left within the tank. So, rinse and repeat, it’s. 

I’m nonetheless enraged by the 2019 “Lion King” replace, which warped Simba, Mufasa and Scar into harsh, photo-realistic animals. Look, children! A lifelike warthog and meerkat ridiculously singing “Hakuna Matata” with beady eyes and expressionless mouths! 

Instantly households have been watching “Planet Earth: The Musical.” Maybe Nala will kill a zebra.

And what a calamity 2023’s “The Little Mermaid” was. Take it from me — it was positively not higher down the place it’s wetter.

I needed to crawl out of my pores and skin when Prince Eric tried to make out with Ariel throughout “Kiss the Girl.” Within the cartoon, the harmless flirting is cute and romantic. However when performed by precise human actors, some tapioca-bland man placing the strikes on a mystified mermaid who can neither verbally talk nor is aware of what a fork is turns into very, very creepy. 

Disney additionally likes to wedge in inferior songs to inflate the runtime. In “Mermaid,” Lin-Manuel Miranda wrote a puerile rap for Scuttle the Seagull, performed by Awkwafina, known as “The Scuttlebut.” Icepicks to my ears.

And I don’t have sufficient obtainable area to totally sort out “Snow White.” There have been the dwarfs that have been depicted as CGI garden gnomes to keep away from offending the little particular person neighborhood. And, ugh, Snow’s love curiosity was shifted from Prince Charming to a imprecise Robin Hood dude named Jonathan. 

Dumping in politics — you understand, what all under-12 audiences crave — Jon’s band of woodland rebels plotted to overthrow the evil queen who pressured all her topics into the army. What enjoyable!

And now comes “Lilo & Stitch” to proceed the lengthy custom of painful inadequacy.

A significant plot level within the remake is Lilo’s massive sister Nani must get them medical health insurance. Critically.  

The worst half is “Lilo & Stitch” will in all probability gross $1 billion. Little children adore Sew (he’s just about speaking merch) and their millennial dad and mom love infantilizing themselves. It’s a match made in hell.

So, undeterred, Disney will hold pumping these out, stretching their IP till it snaps. And the studio that was as soon as on the forefront of animation is now a boring recycling plant. 

A cultural afterthought. 

A mini mouse.